Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart
by Druid Sorceress
Summary: This is a short, humorous story for all of us who toil away at the hell known as retail. Written in Ash's P.O.V. Rated K for sexually explicit language.


_DISCLAIMER:_ _I do not own anything from the realm of Evil Dead._

My name is Ash…and I'm starting to hate my job.

I find it hard to believe that I was put on this earth to mop up spills, stock shelves, and pretend to be nice to the snot-nosed punks-to-be who mess up everything in my department. It's getting to the point where I wonder if I should have stayed in the 1300s with Sheila and Lord Arthur instead of returning to my time.

By the way, I am still the Promised One. Every so often, those nasty Deadites come into my store and I'm the one who is sworn to protect my store…and the world. This role is driving me insane. Just once, I would like to have the Deadite killing passed on to someone else. Ole Red is beginning to lose its color from the countless Deadites she's severed to pieces…my Boomstick isn't looking as good as it used to either.

And to make matters worse, it's almost the Christmas season again…groovy…more snot-nosed punks-to-be, crying and whining to their mamas about the latest toys and gadgets they think they are entitled to. Sometimes I wonder what's worse…facing a horde of Deadites on Christmas Eve again or facing screaming children and parents on Boxing Day.

It has gotten worse with every passing day…until today.

I was at my usual post in the Housewares department, pricing toasters when SHE walked in. I've heard rumors about the new round of staff starting today, but nothing prepared me for the gorgeous, leggy brunette they hired for the Electronics Department.

Her name tag said "Hi…my name is Madison" and her generous cleavage became the most welcoming sight in a long time. I'm glad our dress code isn't as strict as some places…the lovely ladies are allowed to wear hip hugging, short skirts…groovy.

The nerds who work in her department practically fainted when she arrived. Gone were the conversations of the new World of Warcraft Expansion packs and handheld video games. Her appearance alone reduced them to a bumbling pack of kids.

After my lengthy drooling session, I resumed my pricing with a smile on my face. Maybe Miss. Madison will help me…alleviate my boredom in the days to come.

"Hey, Ash!" my friend Colin greeted me as he punched in at the cash register. I grunted in reply as I priced the last shelf of Cuisinart toasters.

"What's on the agenda today?" Colin asked, leaning against the counter as I stood up slowly.

"Just finished the pricing…I will begin my patrol soon" I replied, putting my pricing gun underneath the counter and grabbing the Boomstick. Since the last few attacks, my trusty Remington has been part of my uniform. I put the Boomstick in its holster and stole a quick glance at Madison, who was busy looking over the latest flyer. If only she'd bend a little lower when leaning against the counter.

"WILLIAMS!" yelled a familiar smarmy voice from behind. I cringed and slowly turned around to see my ASS-istant Manager standing there, his usual clipboard in his hands and the usual scowl on his ugly, pig-nosed face. I've seen better looking Deadites. One look at him and I know why some animals eat their young.

"Yes, Mr. Cooper" I ground out, forcing a smile to my face. He glowered at me with dark, beady eyes that were magnified by his thick glasses.

"Clean up the customer bathrooms right now!" he growled, glaring at me. I wanted the floor to swallow me up when I noticed Madison staring at me.

"Yes, Mr. Cooper…right away, Mr. Cooper" I managed to ground out, the smile frozen on my face. God, I hated that guy!

"For God's sake, Williams!" Mr. Cooper growled, eyeing my gauntlet hand, "Can't you find a decent prosthetic? This looks like it came from the Dark Ages!"

With that, he walked away, shaking his balding head. My left hand itched to use the Boomstick on him, but I don't want to go to jail. One of these days, I will find a way to get back at him. Until then, I will suck it up and do whatever his ugliness commands.

"It did, shit for brains!" I muttered under my breath, feeling very humiliated. I focused my gaze on the electronics counter, noticing that Madison was still looking in my direction. I calmed down a little when I saw the look of sympathy on her pretty face.

Sighing, I headed to the cleaning supply room in the stockroom and retrieved the janitor's cart. Cleaning the bathrooms is never my usual job, but I never like giving management a reason to fire me, especially before Christmas.

I double checked the cart to make sure I had everything I needed and did the walk of shame to the bathrooms near the store entrance. I gazed at the front checkouts, a sad memory of my late girlfriend Linda rearing its ugly head. God, how I miss her. It's been ten years or so since her death and not a day goes by where I don't think of her. She is in a better place now.

As I made my way into the men's bathroom, I noticed with unrestrained delight that it was spotless. Even the years-old stains on the urinals were gone. Chuckling to myself, I ventured into the ladies' room (after I knocked first, of course…I AM somewhat of a gentleman) where I noticed the same thing.

"Groovy" I said happily, smirking as I left the room. I was now able to do my patrols without the Ass Manager harping on me.

I returned the cart to its usual area and headed back to the front of the store to begin my Deadite patrol. The store had only been open for an hour and a half, giving any of those bastards plenty of time to come in.

As I neared the Electronics department, I unconsciously smoothed my hair back with my metal hand and straightened my uniform. I've already looked like an ass once in front of the sexy angel known as Madison…not going to let that happen again.

I slowly made my way over there, my eyes peeled for Deadites…so far so good. The nerds were all occupied with customers, leaving Madison alone at the counter. Her perfectly groomed brows were arched in a cute way as she put together the latest display for the new GPS coming out. I admired her for a long moment until I looked at my watch. Ten o'clock…time for my break.

Smiling, I headed down to the staff lounge. I've been here since six in the morning and it's about damn time that I relax.

I grabbed an energy drink and a protein bar and paid for them before sitting in my usual spot in the back corner. Even the Promised One needs to eat.

As I ate my lunch, Madison came into the lounge. What a breath of fresh air she is. Her legs go on forever and make a nice ass of themselves. Her shoulder length midnight hair brings out the sparkling darkness of her eyes. Her pouty lips make me wish they could be wrapped around…oh shit…she's coming my way.

I straightened myself and nervously looked away as she approached my table. Shit, shit, shit…I hope she's not going to complain about my ogling. I was trying to be discreet. I may be the Promised One, but I lack success in the girlfriend department. Most of the ladies I encounter find me to be…weird. A girl would have to be bat-shit-crazy to agree to go out with me.

"Hello" she said in a heavenly voice "May I sit with you?"

"Uh, sure" I replied in what I hoped was a nonchalant manner. "My name is Ash…you must be new."

"I'm Madison" she replied, gesturing to the nametag housed near her ample cleavage. "I work in electronics."

"Welcome to the hell on Earth known as S-Mart" I welcomed her, smiling. "I hope you will be able to survive the Christmas season"

"This is just a part time job until I graduate from Michigan State's Business Administration Program" she replied, twirling a lock of her hair between her slim fingers. "I'm a Marketing Major."

I smiled at the mention of my alma mater.

"So, Ash" she said slowly, almost uncertainly "I saw how the Assistant Manager was harassing you. What a jerk!"

"One of these days, someone will teach him a lesson" I said cryptically. "He is like that with everybody. Sooner or later he will get fired or something."

"So my co-workers told me you fight zombies that come into the store" She said suddenly, staring at my metal hand. "Is that true?"

"Maybe"

"I think that's cool" she said, smiling. "Most people don't believe in that sort of thing."

"Then I have a lot of stories to tell you then" I said wryly, finishing my energy drink. "Maybe over coffee sometime?"

"Sure" she agreed "I'm available after my shift."

Groovy. She agreed to go out with me. I wonder what the catch is. Unless faced with Deadites, I'm used to girls turning me down.

"What time are you finished?"

"Four O'Clock"

"I will see you at the Starbucks across the lot then" I stated, smirking.

She smiled and stood up.

"By the way" she said, turning to face me before her departure. "I hope you found the bathrooms to be satisfactory. I took the liberty in casting a spell to have them cleaned for you."

I frowned, not sure I heard her correctly.

"What?"

"I'm a witch"

She then left me there, my jaw hanging open like a dunce. No wonder she readily agreed to go out with me. She's a witch. I should have known.

I threw away the empty can and wrapper and slowly trudged back to the Housewares department. Great…a witch. If I manage to piss her off…which I probably will…I will wake up one morning minus my man-parts…or better yet, she'll turn me into a donkey or something. Just my luck.

"Young man" an elderly lady with snowy white hair suddenly said, interrupting me from my thoughts. "Where can I find the wet cat food?"

"Aisle A7 next to the toiletries, m'aam" I replied, barely looking at her. "Shop smart, shop S-Mart"

"I will swallow your soul!" she suddenly hissed, her mouth filling with black goo. "You will never survive!"

"Yo, she bitch" I growled, pulling out my trusty Remington. "Say ahhhh, ugly!"

I shoved the barrel of my gun into her open mouth and fired a few shells into her, making her head explode. Black goo and slime flew everywhere as her nasty, wrinkly body fell to the floor.

"Shop smart, shop S-Mart!" I repeated, sneering at the exploded carcass.

Sighing, I put the Boomstick back in the holster and turned towards the stockroom to retrieve the mop and bucket to clean up the mess. Suddenly, I noticed a weird reflection in one of the microwaves and spun around to see the mess taken care of.

I looked towards the Electronics department and saw Madison smiling at me. She winked. I winked back. Maybe it would be useful having her around after all.

Yeah…and maybe my manhood will grow a few inches.

I raised my hand in thanks and she nodded in reply. I guess I will have to take it one day at a time. In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to get a little action from her. Where was I? Oh yes…I was picturing those luscious lips…those luscious lips meeting mine in a heated, passionate kiss…nummy nummy.

"Hail to the King, baby" I murmured, smirking.

_FIN_


End file.
